Thursday, September 16, 2010

Heart Pleasuring

One of the first assignments I had during Sexological Bodywork training, I had to dedicate time everyday for at least seven days to masturbation/meditation. I chose one simple exercise called heart pleasuring which is a Cherokee practice taught to youth as they begin to tap into their sexuality. It goes like this- as you inhale, you squeeze your pelvic floor muscles (like a kegel/like squeezing your bootyhole real tight)and the same time visualizing your heart pulling up the sensation of the squeeze (your erotic energy) pulling it right up into your heart. When you exhale you relax your pelvic floor. Do this with each breath, consciously for at least 15 minutes and notice how your body feels and what goes through your mind. The idea is to do this style of breathing and masturbate. The following is a description of my experience.

It took me 4 sessions of heart pleasuring before I actually touched myself in an erotic way. Once I did, I felt impatient, bored, and frustrated with the realization that I indeed have self-hatred deep inside. My practice changed in that I was dreading setting aside the time to be with myself as opposed to the initial excitement in the first few days. Facing myself has been unnerving; I can sense my unwillingness to change. Intellectually I understand what is happening, and as I process the topic of self-loathing, then I begin to consider the possibility of continuing the practice with a little more enthusiasm. It’s strange to feel like I’m still negotiating with myself if I truly deserve to feel this amazing.

When I describe heart orgasms as a possibility, people are more receptive to the concept of medibation. As I hesitate to continue the practice with same ambition I entered into it, I realize that as a bodyworker I would stress the importance of feeling safe, privacy, calm, quiet environment, and to give ourselves the patience you would give a newborn.

I had feelings of remorse, anxiety, and regret over my past sexual experiences. There was profound sadness for people not having access to this information. I was questioning my privilege in getting this information. I felt guilt for acquiring this information, knowing that it is indigenous, yet coming to it through “higher education”, there was embarrassment.

I began this practice in February 2010 when I was going through my first round of Sexological Bodywork Training.

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