It took me 4 sessions of heart pleasuring before I actually touched myself in an erotic way. Once I did, I felt impatient, bored, and frustrated with the realization that I indeed have self-hatred deep inside. My practice changed in that I was dreading setting aside the time to be with myself as opposed to the initial excitement in the first few days. Facing myself has been unnerving; I can sense my unwillingness to change. Intellectually I understand what is happening, and as I process the topic of self-loathing, then I begin to consider the possibility of continuing the practice with a little more enthusiasm. It’s strange to feel like I’m still negotiating with myself if I truly deserve to feel this amazing.
When I describe heart orgasms as a possibility, people are more receptive to the concept of medibation. As I hesitate to continue the practice with same ambition I entered into it, I realize that as a bodyworker I would stress the importance of feeling safe, privacy, calm, quiet environment, and to give ourselves the patience you would give a newborn.
I had feelings of remorse, anxiety, and regret over my past sexual experiences. There was profound sadness for people not having access to this information. I was questioning my privilege in getting this information. I felt guilt for acquiring this information, knowing that it is indigenous, yet coming to it through “higher education”, there was embarrassment.
I began this practice in February 2010 when I was going through my first round of Sexological Bodywork Training.